I am a financial GENIUS. You laugh now but don't judge until you read...

I have decided that after two kids (yeah, I'm going to nut up and have another one in a couple of years) (because I'm crazy like that) I will DEFINITELY be needing a tummy tuck and a boob job. Things are not looking pretty, to put it nicely, in either department. And that's only after one. BB number two is just going to Fuck. Me. Up.

Heidi Klum makes me sick. Three kids and that body? BITCH.

Okay, I can't stay mad at Heidi. She's amazing. (Sigh)

Unfortunately, there is no hope for this body. Or is there? I seriously contemplated this yesterday. And I determined that I really do think I would (maybe) get surgery. Really. (Maybe.) (Okay, probably not. But for the sake of this blog...maybe.)

Then I was all like, "How the hell am I going to pay for it?"

Upon whence (seriously) I had an AMAZING idea.

Since my lovely children (yeah, I'm already talking about the one that doesn't yet exist) will be the ones responsible for my very fucked up postpartum bod, I think they should pay for it.

Yeah, you heard me right.

So I'm going to tax their asses.

The government (local, state, federal) taxes me in order to pay for what we'll call "maintenance." Why shouldn't I be able to do the same to my kids? (That's a rhetorical question. Don't answer.)

But babies and kids don't have money, you say. Oh, not so!

Allowance? TAXED. Birthday money from grandma and grandpa? Toothfairy coinage? TAXED.

After saving it all up for a few years I should have enough for my new "hot mommy" body.

Genius plan, right? You can thank me later when you've saved up for your own hot mommy surgery. In advance: You're Welcome.