Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Baby Is Born

Baby is officially here! She was born yesterday in the evening after many hours of contractions, not too much pushing and a whole lotta stitches. (Someone decided to come out Superman style, causing mommy to tear. Minus points for you, Baby.)

I feel like I ran a marathon that I was NOT trained for. Everything is sore, from my legs to my shoulders and everything in between.

She looks just like her daddy when he was born. Lots of strawberry blond peach fuzz on her head, blue eyes, and that dreaded  nose. I thinks she got my lips. Not sure about those ears yet...we'll have to see how they turn out.

I'll post more later. The endless stream of visitors, nurses, and other interrupters never ends...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Scattered Thoughts

Since I won't be around much, here are some scattered thoughts (a little like an early RTT if you will) to tide you over...

1. Mr. Clean likes to do the following to my pregnant belly:
  • Rub it and ask if I'm smuggling watermelons.
  • Rub it and say, "There's a cantaloupe in there."
  • Put his hand on it in the middle of the night and feel for baby kicks. Sometimes this becomes rather uncomfortable, but I pretend I don't mind because it's so dang cute.
  • Kiss my belly and talk to the baby. He usually asks her questions like, "Whatcha doin' in there?"
  • Feels my belly button (which is still an inny, thank god) and asks if my "turkey timer" has popped out yet.
  • Pretend to press my belly button and that, in doing so, my vagina essentially explodes and the baby comes out too. Sound effects and all.
2. I will be buying stock in Mederma. I didn't have any stretch marks up until this last month. And now that she's overdue, they've basically doubled. Thank you so much, Baby, for my newfound sexiness. Argh.

3. I keep seeing the commercial for the new Lysol soap dispenser that you don't have to touch. Their ad is all about how incredibly germy a regular soap dispenser is so why on earth would you want to touch it? Oh my god--germs!!!

Here's my line of thinking: Once you get the soap on your hands (and possibly some germs from that doggone regular soap pump), YOU WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS. And if you do it right, the germs are gone. I think people are just too fucking dumb to put the sequencing together--or incredibly germophobic.

4. If I have to see that "potty dance" commercial one more time, I may scream. Why is there some random old guy playing guitar and teaching your kids how to do the potty dance? isn't that a bit creepy? And by the way, I have DONE the potty dance and it does NOT look like that. It looks like jumping up and down with my legs crossed while I pray that I don't pee my pants. He's leaving vital parts of the dance out. That just ain't right.

5. Avert your eyes if you're allergic to TMI... Okay, you were warned. I lost my mucous plus in the wee hours of the morning (which I discovered when I went wee wee at my typical 2:30 AM time). Then I started having some mild contractions through the next couple hours but I managed to kind of sleep through them. I woke up ravenous at about 5:30 AM, had some cereal, went back to bed, tossed and turned for a bit, and finally fell back asleep. Then I woke up at 9:30 AM completely ravenous once again and also with a few mild contractions. Perhaps having contractions makes a pregnant woman hungry? Anyway, I am hoping this (the contractions part of it) means that Baby plans to come today and that I won't have to be induced after all. (Probably wishful thinking, but I'm used to the disappointment by now.)

Saturday, March 20, 2010

New Header

Alright, I got bored today (can't say that for much longer, so I'm totally taking advantage here) and decided to try my hand at making a new header. I'm not super creative and Photoshop Elements is somewhat limiting, so this is what I came up with.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Come out already!!!

Baby is still holed up inside my uterus. She had decided she really likes it in there.


She was due Saturday. Now she's 4 days overdue. And there is NO sign that she's planning to make an arrival anytime soon. Things are closed up tight. No contractions. Nada.

Fuckity Fuck.

So the doctor has scheduled me for an induction on Monday. We would have been inducing on Friday, but Mr. Clean had to go and screw it up with a job interview. Damn him and his desire to make more money and further his career. So Monday it is.

Fucking A.

Hopefully she will suddenly decide, Hey, I'd like to be born! and she'll come before that. PLEASE DEAR GOD. Because a week and two days overdue seems like a lot. That seems like an eternity. And it seems like she'll be about 20 lbs by then.

I'll keep ya posted.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Spin Cycle: Behind the Scenes @ Bano Bits

Behind the scenes, huh? Like there's something special or amazing going on that people are dying to discover? Sorry folks, it's like Oz here--just little old me behind a curtain with a big booming microphone known as the blogosphere.

My blog started out as a few different things. At one point it was going to be a way to let family and friends know what was happening in my life. However, since no one really read it (and since I very rarely updated it), that fell to the wayside. Later I picked it back up as a way to share my art and photography, but again, if no one knows you exist, there's really no point.

Baby is what really got things moving for me blog-wise. I had been reading some "mommy blogs" out there and just loved how they expressed their trials, tribulations, joys and celebrations on their sites. The humor and wit kept me coming back. I wondered, Hey, could I do that? Well, maybe I wasn't going to make anyone laugh as hard as some of you guys have made me laugh, but I figured it would be a fun experiment. Plus, it was a great way to express what I've been going through with the pregnancy. I hoped for feedback from others and, much to my surprise, I got some.

I like blogging but sometimes I wish I could say more, especially about work. There are some days I just need to VENT about that place! Buuuuut, VodkaMom has been put through the ringer due to sharing too much about work and had some great advice about how to avoid letting it happen to you. I took the advice and also decided that having pseudonyms would help ensure that I don't become "discovered," although I'm sure someday it's bound to happen anyway. Fortunately I'm not Dooce or anything, so I doubt anyone I know is going to find this place, put two and two together, and out me to the world. I mean, they'd actually have to FIND it first!

That's pretty much it. I intend to keep blogging now that I have a little community that I enjoy sharing with. Baby will probably make it difficult to keep up with (if she ever comes...) but I know you all understand. That's part of what makes the community so awesome. Support from strangers--who would have thought it would be so important to me?!

Friday, March 12, 2010

You'll be the first to know

No, I am not having a baby yet. And the next person who calls or Facebooks or texts me to ask is going to get punched in the face. Because guess what, people? This is the 21st Century and I will LET YOU KNOW, I promise. I have a cell phone, the hospital has wireless for my laptop, and I am pretty sure that they also have those ancient things called phones (you know, the ones that rely on a land line?). So again, I WILL LET YOU KNOW. The reason I haven't called to let you know? BECAUSE NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

And why is everyone trying to tell me how to get Baby out of the womb? I'm not all that earnest to evict her. She'll come when she's ready. I swear ten people today had advice for me on the various ways to get her to make her debut. I DIDN'T ASK. Shit, my due date isn't even until tomorrow. I know they mean well, I really do, but (once again...seems like a recurring complaint) it's just freaking annoying.

I am not-so-eagerly anticipating all the unsolicited advice I'll start getting once she finally does arrive. If you think I'm bitchy now, just wait. Start looking for people with black eyes in my neighborhood.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

I didn't get an Oscar, but...

...I DID get an award based on monkey balls. Okay, well not quite. But holy fucking monkey balls, I got an award for blogging. Hells yeah! Thanks to Vandy over at The Testosterone Three & Me, I am an award-winning blogger! Take that, Dooce! I am hot on your tail. I'll have my own HGTV show in no time.

Now if I can just figure out how to post it...

RTT: It's been a while

Dude, I'm exhausted and I haven't even DONE anything. Baby is due Saturday and I can tell we're getting close. Not because I'm dilated or anything though. (Oh no, things are closed up tight. She's patiently waiting for her eviction notice. It'll probably take an act of congress to get her out.)

So me being tired is really why I haven't blogged. Plus, there's not much going on. Life is surprisingly boring right now. (I know, I know. Just wait a few days or so. I'll be eating those words with a side of crow. And hopefully washing it down with a glass of wine.)

Anyone notice I use parenthesis a lot? I love them. My mind wanders a lot and I have all these little "asides" that I feel I must add. Parenthesis are helpful little containers for my randomness. (Anyone remember that song that was like "I love you period/do you love me questions mark/please, please exclamation point/I wanna hold you in parenthesis"? My parenthesis comment made me remember that song. Hmmm.)

There is one parapro where I work that pops into my room every morning and exclaims, "You're still here?!" Um, yeah. I am. If I wasn't, you wouldn't see me. DUH. I know she's just checking in and all, and she really is a nice person, but GOD IT'S ANNOYING AS HELL. Last time I just said, "Yep, I'm here until I'm not here." Because, well, DUH.

A friend is in labor at the hospital and is updating her Facebook every once in a while which I think is AWESOME. Seriously. I can't be there but I can stalk her via Facebook. Plus, now I know that we get free wireless at the hospital. I'm totally bringing my laptop and you'd better believe I will be updating my Facebook status with every contraction. Shit, maybe I'll even blog about how painful it is and WHERE ARE MY FUCKING DRUGS?!? The world needs to know.

Three whole paragraphs without parenthesis. Go me! (What are the odds? Oops. Shit.)

Is it pathetic that I am VERY excited that the dresser we want to get for Baby's room is on sale at Target this week? We were going to get it the week before but decided to wait until Mr. Clean gets paid tomorrow since we were already blowing $125 there that day. (Target and Costco are IMPOSSIBLE to get out of for less than $100. It's a scientific fact. Look it up.) The dresser is like $40 off this week and I am super stoked we waited. It must be a sign...that I need to go spend more money at Target.

Okay, that's all I've got today. Pretty much nothing. Do yourself a favor and go visit someone from my list on the right because they are MUCH more interesting and funny than I am.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010


My mother-in-law just called to see how the baby is doing. When I told her there was no dilation, she decided to inform me that I could jump start the process by jumping Mr. Clean's bones.


RTT: All the weewee home

Went to the doctor yesterday for an OB appointment. I am 50% effaced! I'm glad things are moving along but hopefully there won't be too much progress until late next week. I need to keep working until then, although I wish I didn't have to. I REALLY don't want to be at work lately. I'm so uncomfortable all the time! It's also making me super grouchy, which has its benefits when dealing with middle schoolers. They certainly didn't fuck with me today.


I feel like I have to pee ALL THE TIME. And I also feel like I'm leaking pee, even if I'm not. (Sometimes I am. Just a teeny bit. I know--eeewwww!) I think I went to the bathroom about a hundred times today even though there really wasn't anything much in my bladder. Deep breath...10 more days.


Yesterday I finally had this feeling of I want to hold her. I haven't felt that yet--I've been to petrified of all the crazy changes that she will bring. But I was thinking about her arrival and I just finally was ready for it; for her. I guess I'm in the acceptance stage.


I really dislike the feeling of not being in control (just ask Mr. Clean--oh the stories he could tell you). This is making me think really long and hard about whether or not I'll want the narcotic medications during labor. I had my wisdom teeth out a couple years ago and I HATED the feeling of the drugs, especially when they tried using the gas. I'm sure that in the heat of the moment, when I'm in a whole LOTTA pain, I may just yell GIVE ME THE DRUGS NOW!!! but right now it skeeves me out.


Mr. Clean is quite convinced I will either punch him in the face or pull a complete Exorcist-style bag of bat-shit crazy on him while I'm in labor.


What's your best advice with regard to labor? I wanna hear it.