Thursday, January 28, 2010

Ahhhh, freak out

The other night, as I lay in bed, struggling to get comfortable amongst my umpteen pillows, I started thinking about the impending arrival of Baby. As my thoughts drifted, the realization hit me: I am going to be a mommy.

Now some of you might be thinking, Duh, what were you expecting with that eggplant growing inside you? But there was just something in that moment that brought the feelings and emotions tied to being responsible for a human life right to the forefront of my mind. And then the thoughts were like a flood, a rushing stream of confusion and fright and holy-shit-what-the-hell-did-I-get-myself-into. It went something like this:

Oh my god, I am going to be a mommy. Will I be a good mom? What if I'm not? I have no idea what to do. I don't know anything about having a baby. What if I fail? I'm scared. Is Mr. Clean scared to be a daddy? I should ask him. I don't want to ask him because I'm crying and being all weird and emotional. Oh my god, I am going to be a mommy...

And because I have more hormones running through my system that an entire middle school full of teenagers, I started crying more. Not a big cry with heavy sobs and chokes and all that. But I cried. I was scared. I am scared. EVERYTHING is about to change. Forever. And change is scary for me. Plus it's not like it's going to be a gradual change. No, no. I go into the hospital without a baby (one on the outside anyway) and come home with a screaming, pooping, nursing bundle of joy. Then I have to figure out what to do with her and how to care for her. For the rest of my life. Tell me that's not completely intimidating.

I have been told countless times that this will be the most exciting time in my life; that I will love her more than anything else and that "it will all be worth it once you see her." I believe it--I really do. I'm sure that I will be able to figure things out as I go. I know that everyone and their mother will want to give me advice (needed or not) about how to care for her. And I know that Mr. Clean will do anything and everything to make sure that Baby and I are happy and well cared for.

In approximately 7 weeks, Baby will be coming home with us. As ill-prepared as I feel, I'm certain that we will make it work because we always do. I'll let you know how it works out.


Casey said...

Aww, it IS scary to be a first time mom. The good news is that newborns are basically stationary blobs who can't get away from you (yet) so you have awhile to figure things out. She'll scream when she's hungry, you can't miss the poop and the rest of it will fall into place. She'll let you know when she doesn't like something, believe me. The fact that you're worried about being a good mom means you will be. The suckass moms never think twice about being shitty at motherhood.

We look back at ourselves as new parents and laugh because newborns are a breeze compared to toddlers but nobody told us that.

Chin up, stop blubbering. ;)

Heather said...

We all go through that...its scary to think about being responsible for a tiny little being, but it all works out. I know for me, the first 3 months are the hardest. Then, once you can get them to sleep through the night and take naps, your sanity finally returns.

I've left a few comments and don't want you to think I'm some creepy blog stalker. I spend most of my time with my 2 week old attached to my boob and have nothing else to do but read blogs from my phone. And now I sound like some creepy breastfeeding mom...not exactly what I was shooting for.